编者按：xinguansanniandiejiashijiedebianhua，yingxianglemeiyigerenderichangshenghuo，baokuogexinggeyedechuangzuozhe。yixierenkenengchangshizaichuangzuozhongchengxianhuofenxizheixiebianhua，yeyouyixierengandaohuaiyi、xiukuihuoshiyu，duizijiyushidaideguanxichanshenglexindegengjiajiuchandesikao。yishujiaxiangjingshuyuhouyizhongleixing。

《行走在无形无垠的宇宙》一书收录了她与许多人的对话，包括作家林白、哲学家陈嘉映、电影学者戴锦华、诗人朱朱等不同领域的朋友，他们谈对于这个时代的感受、对于性别的思考、对于精英衰落的戚戚，谈艺术，谈传统文化，谈自我如何接受自我。在对话结束的地方，问题仍在延伸。

向京的怀疑或愧疚或许不独属于她自己。在界面文化（ID：booksandfun）根据此书《代后记：告别》整理出的这篇向京自述中，我们或许也能看见自己。

01 我对将要说出的所有话都深表怀疑

yiqingshiyigebijiaotufadeshiqing，queshigaibianletaiduodongxi，danshizheizhonggaibianqishishizaiyiqingqianyijingkaishile，zhibuguoyiqingyiyizhongfeichangjiduandefangshi，rangzhenggehuanjingyouleyigehendadeniuqu。

qishishijiezaiyiqingqianyijingchuzaiyigehendadebuquedingxingdangzhongle，wojuedezheigegenhulianwang、zhengzhigejudebianhuashiyouguanxide。haibujinjinshizhongguoziji，quanshijiedoumianlinzhediyigequanqiuhuadeluomu，yinglailezaichixuzengzhanghejinbuhoudetuishiheshixu。yiqingzedailailetaiduodesilieheduili，baokuozuijindeewuchongtu，jushilaihuifanzhuan，shijianjiezhongerzhi，meichuyigeshiqing，jiuhuichuxianlianggeshuihuoburongdezhenying，zhongjiandidaibiandeyuelaiyuezhai，huozheyuelaiyuemeiyoushengyin。telangpudangmeiguozongtongdeneiduanshijian，kaishijuedehenhuangmiu，danshihoulainihuifaxian，zheixiebiaozhengdouzaibuduanshuoming，yizhonggenbenxingdezhuanbianjiuzheiyangdaolaile。zheizhongsiliebingmeiyouyinweishuangfangguandiantebiexianmingheduilierbiandeqingxi，fanershirangshijieyixiazichenruyigejudadebuquedingxingdangzhong。

xingejulizuizaodaotadeshimeitixingye，erzhangshijianbapingdejingyingrenqunhuranjianshiqulezhendi。zheizhongshixuwojuededuiyuzhishijingyingzheileiguoquzhanzaihuayuquanzhigaodianshangderenlaishuo，youzheyigejudadeshiluo。yinweizheiyangyigeshidaidedaolai，congmouzhongbiaozhengshang，keyishuoshizheigejiecengzhujiansangshizhendi，zhujiansangshihuayuquandeguocheng。

woyiqianjibenqingxiangzhishijingyingdelichang，suoyiyikaishiyouhendademimang，manmanwofaxianzheiqueshiyeshijintianzheiyangyizhongwenhuadaijiwomendeyizhongfansi。zheizhongzhishijingyingdeshiyubujinjinshisheicuanlenidequan，erqueshishiwomencengjingjianxinde、laolaozhangwodeyizhongzhishitixiyijiduishijiequezaodeyizhongrenzhi，tebieshiyizhongpushidelixiang，zaimouzhongjudadexianshimianqian，biandeyoudianbuduijingerle。wojuedezheikendingbushiyigerenlianggerendeganshouhekanfa，erkenengshiquanshijiefanweizhishifenzideyigegongtongtiganba。suoyizheigeshihouchufeinileyuzaitaishangbiaoyan——dangranhenduorenyezaiwutaishangbiaoyandeguochengzhongbeiluanbangdadao——woxiangnibixukandaozheizhongbianhua，bingqiezaizheizhongbianhuazhizhong，duoshaohaishiyaozuoyixiefansi。

wozhidaozhishijingyingxiguanzuo“daiyan”，danshiwomencengjingdeneizhongzhishitixihuozhesikao，shibushizhendeduiyinglewomensuoshenchudezheigeshidai、womendexianchang，shibushinenggoujiejuewomenmianlindewenti，woxianzaiyidiandoubuqueding。erneixiecengjingjiangoudewutuobang，shifoujiushilixiang？suoyidangjudadebiange——buguanshitianzaihaishirenhuo——daolaideshihou，yizhengtaohuayubianzhideneigeshijie，huozheneigelixiang，buduiying，yewufajiejuewomensuoshenchudezheigeshidaihenduofeichangjutidewenti，yizhiyutahedazhongzhijianchanshenglehendayigejianxi，zheiyefeichangzhengchang。

woxianzaikandaoyouxierenxiangwoyiqianyiyang，haoxiangzaiyigetoumingdebolipinglimian，yifangmianhaoxiangzaikanzhezheigeshijie，danlingyifangmiangenzheigeshijiemeiyoujiechudian，ranhouyouyinweigezheyigedongxi，congmouzhongjiaodujiang，ziwoshianquande，tashizaiyigeanquandejuliheyigeanquandeweizhishangqukanzheiyangyigeshijie，wobuyoudezhiyizheizhonglichanghejiaodu。suoyiwoyuanyitingxiagongzuo，xiangyaozhongsuyizhongguankandeshijiao。zheizhongshuofahaoxianghaishiroumaleyidian，danzheigedongxiduiwolaishuohaoxiangqueshibiandefeichangjipo，yizhiyuzheizhongjipoyuanyuanchaochulewoxiangyaobiaodadeneizhongyuwang——wozhangshijianshizaishijingbiaoda、buguanbugudibiaodazheiyangyigexingtaili。wobushishuowozhendeshiyu，ershishuowoduiwojiangyaoshuochudesuoyoudehuadoushenbiaohuaiyi。henduoshihouwokanhenduozaibiaodaderen——wobushizhisuoyouren——wohuijuede，tamenshizhendeyouguandianma？huozhezhendezixinyuzijidebiaoda？haishishuojinjinshiyizhongbiaoyan？woduiyubiaoyanfeichangfangan，feichangyane。suoyiwozongshizaishenshi，wobuyaochengweizheiyangderen。

02 除了羞耻，我没有其他感觉

woxianzaishenghuozaisongzhuang，tazhendejiushizhongguoshehuideyigenongsuo，xiangweisuojingguanyiyangde，limianchongmanlegezhonggeyangderenwuhegushi，meiyouyitianshigudingbubiande。wosuoshuodebuquedingxingzaizheierjiubianchengleyimumujingguanyiyang，lunfanchengxianzainiyanqian。youdeshihoukenengshihenxiaodebianhua，youdeshihoukenengyiyezhijianchaiyidapian，yidongjudadeloukenengjiumeile，diertiannizaiqukan，yipianwali，zaiguoyitianyijingshipingpingzhengzhengdeyikuaidi，tailiqile。woyebunengjiaojiluba，haoxiangjiushizaipangbiankanzhe，quezaodizhidaozijizaichang，zheixiedongxiyinweijiufashengzainishenbian，zhijiejiudaijiniyizhongtigan。

woyiqianmingquechilingroueryuanduilizheiyangyizhongguandian，danshijintianwoturanyishidao，shentitazishenyijingshiyigemingtile，suoyiwozai2019nianzuolewozuihouyijiandiaosu——yizhizhangyu［《jianglin》，2019］，duiwolaishuo，jiushixiangzuoyigedaqiguan、yigeshentidemingti。jintianchulewomennenggouqukandao、tingdao、ganshoudaozheiyiqie，womenyijingbunenggouzaiquzaineishangmianfujiashenmele，shidaidayugeti，dayuyishu。nijujiaozaiwomenshenbiandezheixieshiqinghezheixiebianhua，caiganjueduiyingdaozuoweiyigedangdairensuoyinggaimianduideneigejudademingti。

woyoushihouzhendeyouyizhongxiuchigan，jiushizuoweiyigechuangzuozhe，zaijintianzheigeshidai，niyouyuanyuanbuduandehongli，zheigehonglichangchangshijianlizaizheigewenhuahuozhenisuochudeguojiazaoshoudezainanhebuxingzhishang，zheigezhendehenrangrenxinqingfuza。youshimianduiquanziliyixiezuopinheshijian，dajiaxiguancongxueshudejiaoduqupingjia。wojuedeyishubuzhanzairenhededaodezhigaodianshang，tameiyourenhedeyouyuexing，yishuheyishujiadoumeiyouzheitequan——nishouxianshiyigeren，qicicaishiyishujia。jiuhuozaidangxia，mianduiyigejudadezainanhuozhedashidafei，shouyaodeshizuoweiyigerendefanying。buguanshiweirenhaishizuoshi，wodounanyijieshouzheigeshijiehuijiyishujiaquntizheiyangdetequan，quliyongbuxingchengquanziji。chulexiuchi，womeiyouqitaganjue！jiuhaoxiangnishiteshurenqun，nikeyizhanyouzheixiehongli，nazhezheixiekunan，nazhezheixiebuxing，zuoweisucai。

youzhongshuofa，juedeyishujiabufasheng，shibufudanshehuizeren。queshiyishushishangyouhenduolizi，mingxingyongzijideyingxiangliqufasheng，quchuanbozhengxiangjiazhi。shouxian，nixiandeyouzheiyangdemingshengba？qici，cengjingneigezaoshendeshidaiyijingguoqule，jintian，wojuedewomenshouxianshiputongren，renrendoushiputongren——zheiyaoxiexiehulianwang，bayigegefanrentuishangshentanyoulaxiashentan——jiushiyigesuishihuibeibuxing、zainanjidaodeputongren。suoyishouxianzuoweiputongren，woconglaibuyuanfanmaigenwogerenxiangguandebuxing，qiciwojuedezuoweiputongrenniyebukeyinazhebierendezainanhebuxingquzuowenzhang，qubiaoyan——yiyishudemingyi，zheidoushiwofeichangtaoyande。

suoyizaijintianzheigehongrandaolaidedashidai，woduiyishuzheigeshiqingbenshendouchanshenglehendadehuaiyiheyihuo。bierenshuonipaileyigejilupian，woshuobububu，wojiushiwanma，nazheyigeshexiangji，jiuxiangnishenshangduoleyigeqiguan，duoleyigewaisheyiyang。ruguowozhishizaineiershenghuozhe，kenenghaibuzuyirangwojiangouyixierenzhi，dannazhezheimeyigejiahuoshier，jiuhaoxiangduoleyishuangyanjing，duoleyizhongguanchadefangshi，huozhenigenshijiezhijianyoulezheimeyigejiezhi，yinweizheigejiezhierchanshenglemouzhongguanxi，erzheizhongguanxiyourangwojuedehenanwei。

dangranwoyezhidaotaiduoshihouwodeyizhongguanchahejierudoufeichangfuqian，feichangyouxian，bingmeiyourenhetiaozhanhetupo。renzheizhongdongwuyongyuandoushiqulibihaide，youqimianduizheizhongjudadeshifei、judadezainan、judadeshidai，zhongzhongzhongyazhixia，wohuiqufansizijiweiherucidiqienuo，bingbujubeiwobenlaiyiweiyinggaijubeideyongqi。fanzhengwoshizhongmeiyoubanfalizhiqizhuangdizhanzaidaodehezhengyidejiaodu，quzuorenhezheizhonggongkaibiaoyan。woshouxianshenkedihuaiyirenhezaizheiyangyigejizhixiasuobiaoxianchulaideyongqi。zheigeshihou，cainengshuoworuheququelijibendelichang。

03 一边表演叛逆，一边迅速犬儒

paokaisuoweideyishu，jintianzheigeshidai，buguannizuorenheshiqing，tajinidailaihendadeyigebianhua，jiushichuanbodailaidebianhua。wozhendeshihualehenzhangdeshijiancaishiyingzheigechuanbodeshidai。nijiuganjue，zheigeshidaihaoxiangzhiyoubeichuanbodedongxicaiyouxiao，bubeichuanbodedongxijiuwanquanshixiaole。yishuhenrongyisangshiquanzidebaowen，zhijiebeipaodaoshehuicengmian，neizheigeluojijiubuhuishiyishushengtailideneigedanyiluojile。

womenbeijiaoyudeguochengdangzhong，youtaiduodegushigaosuwomen，henduodongxijibianzaineigeshidaibubeirenzhi，zaiweilaitadouhuiyoutadeyigejiazhi。danshijintiannihuifaxianzheiyangdeshijianchahuiyuelaiyuexiao，yizhiyuhenduoshihoudoukuaiweilingle。dangranwomendoushirouyanfantai，guoleyibainianzhihou，weilaiderenzhongxinrending、panduanjintianzheigeshidaidechengguo，kenengjiudaizhelingwaiyizhongyanguang，womenyemeifazhidao。

danjintianzheigechuanbosuodailaidegaibian，henduodongxibeizhebi、beishijiandehuichenyanmei，zhendejiushiyishunjian，suoyizaijintiannigengnanquzhaodaowomenguowangcongshubenlikandaodeneizhongyonghengdejiazhi。yishushengtaibeidapo，queshihennanzaiqugoujianneizhongdongxi，zhishaozaileisiyishuzheiyangyizhonggongzuolimian，nihuifaxianliyonghengyuelaiyueyuan。woyebuzhidaozheishixingyunhaishibuxing，zheizhongbianhuamouzhongjiaodujiangyetingzhimingde，yiweizheyishusuozhuiqiude，buzaishitansuoheshengmingbenzhiyouguandemingti，erzaihujiudishengxiao。

dangdaiyishushidaizheyigejudadepannijiyinlaide，tadedanshenghendayigeliyoujiuzaiyuwomenyaodapoyigejiuyouzhixu，danshidangdaiyishuyeshizuizao、zuikuaibeizibendabai，hezibengouliandeyizhongyishuxingtai。zaiguowangdegudianzhuyishiqi，womenjiangdaodehenduodashi，buguoshibeiguizuhuanyangde；huozhezaixiandaizhuyishidai，youfangao、gaogengzheiyangdechuanqigushi；danshizaijintian，dangdaiyishujiahaoxiangyifangmianyaoqubiaoyanpanni，lingwaiyifangmianyouhuitebiekuaidiququanru，quhezibenlianmeng，tahaoxiangyidantarushehui，zhijiebeibidemaishenle，biandewanquanshiyingxiaofeishehuideshangyeluojile。shenzhiwokandaogengnianqingdeyidaidairen，shangyeluojiwanquanshineihuade，tachuangzuodechuzhongjiubushiweilepanni，erqiaqiashiweileshunyingshangyezhixu、xiaofeiluoji。

nisuoshuodehongdashenkedoubuzaishiyishujiadeshimingle，qishiwoyetingbujiede，chufeijintianyoujianlileyigezhanxindeyishushangyelun，youyitaowanzhengdeliluntixiquzhichizheiyangdeyizhongyishuxingtai，fouzedehuawoqueshihennanqujiedinghenduoxianzaisuoweichenggongdeyishuyijichenggongdefanshi，tamendejiazhijiujingshishenme。

本文书摘部分节选自《行走在无形无垠的宇宙》后记部分，较原文有删节，标题为编辑自拟，经出版社授权发布。本文图片除注明外均来自艺术家向京官网。